Queens Banning Tik Tok

Our current news cycle is full of stories about Tik Tok. Government officials are threatening to ban the site because of foreign influence and its negative effects on children. In reading the comments on articles about this issue, many mothers and fathers express how damaging and addictive Tik Tok has been for their children. Many seem eager for the state to step in. G.K. Chesterton once said, “Without the family, we are helpless before the state.” But the comments coming from these families instead show they feel helpless without the state. But do we really need the government to ban Tik Tok?

I am not an expert on these matters but it seems like it’s in society’s best interest to get rid of Tik Tok. Nonetheless, banning it seems like an exercise in futility. When the underlying culture has a desire for such content, another Tik Tok will soon emerge. Sites like Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook can be equally destructive. Supply will always meet demand.

So what are we to do considering the ready supply of damaging technology, the insatiable appetite of addicted youth, and the mountain of evidence showing us that these platforms damage our kid’s minds, destroy their self-confidence, and undercut the values taught in our homes? (If you feel these concerns are exaggerated or just the age-old fear of change – go on TikTok, do some simple searches, and see what sort of narcissistic, immoral, and demeaning content is readily available to young children.)

To seek solutions, I turn to a topic to which many busy moms can relate. Due to a variety of reasons: stress, poor willpower, and convenience foods, it seems like every other week I am starting a new diet – seeking to undo the damage accrued over the last week. On those rare occasions when my diet is successful, the key to success lies in two things: ensuring that I control both my demand for junk food and my supply of it. I have to psychologically prepare before a new diet – I have to be motivated to actually stop eating junk. But I also have to actually get rid of the supply. If chocolate chips are accessible, then when the stress descends, I grab a handful. But if they aren’t there, I’m unlikely to drive to the store to get some.

Influencing Demand

I believe in order to overcome Tik Tok, and all the other destructive pulls upon our children, we would be wise to remember what a “family” can really be – what it is meant to be. As Chesterton explains,

“The “state” is made up of a number of small kingdoms, of which a man and a woman become the king and queen, and on which they exercise a reasonable authority, subject to the common sense of commonwealth, until those under their care, grow up to found similar kingdoms and exercise similar authority. This is the social structure of mankind, far older than all its records, and more universal than any of its religions, and all attempts to alter it are mere talk and tomfoolery.” GK Chesterton

We as mothers control supply and demand in our little kingdoms – our homes. We are the queens of our castles. Inside this kingdom, we set up rules and traditions. When I was a child, our family-kingdom had different traditions than the neighboring ones. We shuddered when we heard other kids say “shut up” because it wasn’t allowed in our home. They surely thought we were strange. Every Saturday night we all gathered around and cheered our brothers while they had boxing matches in our living room. Each kingdom is strange because each kingdom is as unique as its king and queen. This is part of the joy and diversity of life, observing the strangeness of other families while we ourselves belong to a strange family.

The family is the test of freedom; because the family is the only thing that the free man makes for himself and by himself.
G. K. Chesterton

Children accept the reality they are given. Those of us older than 35 never yearned for a cell phone when we were kids. We didn’t whine for a Tik Tok account. Of course we didn’t – these things didn’t exist. We can make them not exist in our kingdom. We are allowed to have family rules and traditions. It is not “controlling” to set up a family environment the way you want to. We are not a tyrant if as “Queen” we have a plan for our kingdom. It is called parenting. Our method of rule is particularly important when our children are young. These are the years they are developing their morals, their sense of self, their ability to have self-control, and their psychological and emotional depth. Often as mothers, we feel we are always saying no, particularly in our immoral culture. But the wonderful thing about setting up your family culture is that you aren’t saying “no” – you are saying “yes!” You aren’t ruled by worldly culture – you are your own ruler. You are replacing those chocolate chips with colorful fruits. You are developing a home full of adventures and traditions. My husband grew up playing soccer – he has coached all our kids and after work he plays soccer with them on the lawn. We are a soccer family. I grew up traveling – our kids have developed a love for it as well and we take them on foreign adventures.

If our children display an interest in something, we encourage them to pursue it and include it in our family traditions. If we fill the space with wholesome activities and interests, then our children are less likely to feel a lack from not having Tik Tok.

Another way of controlling “demand” is to educate our children about the dangers of Tik Tok and other technologies and the harmful messages found therein. Children are capable of grasping truth and the more we teach them, the more they understand. We can help them recognize the consequences of bad habits by pointing out everyday examples- from my own inability to resist chocolate chips to their little brother’s habit of biting his fingernails to their friends’ obsession with Fortnite. We can teach them the importance of using time wisely and the necessity of hard work. The Truth is powerful, even to children.

Controlling Supply

We are the gatekeepers to what our children consume. We can’t blame the world, the government, or greedy amoral corporations. If our kids are consuming junk – get it out of the house. There are times when we need to clear out the supply of chocolate chips or technology. We need a fresh start to give us room to improve our desires. If I go two weeks without chocolate chips, I stop needing them. Change the passwords and throw the video game console off the balcony if you need to – do what needs to be done in your kingdom. (It’s far better to be aware enough to not let things get to the point of having to throw it off the balcony – but it is still often better to do that than to give up and yield your influence right when your children most need it). Our children will adapt to changes in supply.

When we send our children to public schools, they will see the other “strange” ways of living life. Their friends will have Tik Tok. If they go to friends’ houses, they may see strange traditions – like spending hours playing video games. Hold strong to your traditions, and your kingdom. When I am on a diet, I don’t hang out in bakeries. If our children have influences that we feel are pulling them away from what we believe to be best and true, then we should pull back from those influences.

“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened and maintained. “
Winston Churchill

There are times when even with our best efforts to encourage our children to develop good habits and desires – the call of Tik Tok and technology remains. My grandmother was the healthiest woman west of the Mississippi. She grew all their family’s food, owned a health food store, and was never a hypocrite because neither chocolate nor sugar ever passed her lips. But when my mom was a child, she would save any coins she could find and go to the corner market to buy candy. This is the nature of life – our children make their own choices and they need to live and learn. However, my mother retained the wisdom of her mother and despite her earlier rebellion, she returned to the wisdom of her youth and continued the tradition of healthy eating.

Always in my mind as a mother is a question – “Am I being controlling?” When we control something, we force it against its own nature. Controlling children against their nature can be harmful. But as mothers, we are there beside our children as they develop their natures – their interests, habits, and personalities. We do have to exert a bit of control in our children’s lives or they would run into the street and eat bags of sugar. But as we walk with them and teach them virtue by example, the need for control diminishes. They have their own knowledge and their own desire for virtue. As our kids become teenagers, we slowly step back and give them more autonomy. They will sneak candy sometimes. They may throw a fit about not having Tik Tok. We don’t “freak out” or condemn them – we aren’t tyrants. We trust in the lessons we taught them, we encourage them, but we still maintain the traditions of our home. When they leave the house they can keep our traditions or drop them. My sons don’t box in our living room. But having traditions is not controlling, they provide stability and unity in a chaotic world.

Our culture assumes all traditions are stifling and nonsensical and we see the depressing consequences of such a belief. (A great essay by Chesterton on the subject) Traditions are the wisdom of the ages, or as G.K. Chesterton says, “Tradition is democracy extended through time.” If I were to embrace my grandmother’s tradition of healthy eating, I could prevent my endless dieting; and if my children follow my wisdom, they can prevent the time-wasting and self-consumption of Tiktok. Good traditions are timeless – they are wisdom shared with beloved descendants.

“Those who leave the tradition of truth do not escape into something which we call Freedom. They only escape into something else, which we call Fashion.”
G. K. Chesterton

Be a Confident Queen

Many children with Tik Tok and other destructive technologies likely got them in a similar way – they wore their parents down with complaints until they gave in. Their dads got sick of being the bad guy or their moms didn’t want the fight. They allowed their small kingdom to be invaded by a kingdom of debauchery. This is lazy parenting. I know the temptation. Parenting is incessant and difficult, but if we give in to our children’s demands when we know the consequences, we will regret it.

If we don’t know the destructive nature of these new technologies, we need to become informed so we are armed for the battle of wills. (resources supplied at the end of the article) There are many “nice” moms who are worn out and stifled by motherhood because they don’t have the courage to create the kingdom for themselves and their families that they want. They are too concerned with being “liked” and not concerned enough about being right. They allowed their small kingdom to be invaded by a larger, corrupt empire.

Ruling our own kingdom and setting up traditions contrary to our culture is difficult. It requires a lot of self-discipline and rejection of the easy path. But we mothers don’t want easy. We want results. We want our children to be happy, well-rounded, and virtuous. We are happy to put in more effort if it means we get to have a good relationship with our kids and give them a good start. If, instead, we abdicate the responsibility of raising our children to the culture – to TikTok – we will end up with children who feel like foreigners in their own kingdom.

“The family is the nucleus of civilization.” Will Durant

As we wait and see what the government does about Tik Tok, we realize that ultimately what they do doesn’t matter – it is what we do that matters. Society is only as good as its families, as good as its mothers and fathers. The government is not virtuous; the government doesn’t know or care about our children. But we can be virtuous; we can care about our children. Ban Tik Tok or not, but it is us parents who decide what our kingdom will allow.

“Only men to whom the family is sacred will ever have a standard or a status by which to criticize the State. They alone can appeal to something more holy than the gods of the city.”
G.K. Chesterton

Resources:

A great resource with a lot of data from a previous denier who has accepted the dangers of Tik Tok and other social media.

https://richardhanania.substack.com/p/how-i-changed-my-mind-on-social-media?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=98102&post_id=104681146&isFreemail=true&utm_medium=email

Tik Tok Damages Brains: https://www.sciencetimes.com/articles/34138/20211025/tiktok-bad-brain-constant-social-media-streaming-narrows-collective-attention.htm

Raising Rebels https://philosophyofmotherhood.wordpress.com/2019/10/08/raising-rebels/

Why Have We Stopped Believing in Love?

Part 1 of a 3-part series on rebuilding Romantic belief (Part 2, Part 3)

In a hymn written in the late 16th century, John Bowring proclaims, “A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” Life was difficult then, in ways it is impossible for us to comprehend in our comfort. The promise of celestial heaven brought solace to the weary world – but so did the promise that any man or woman – poor and uneducated or rich and powerful – might attain an earthly heaven – a heaven of love. But our modern world doubts that such a heaven is even possible. Marriage in particular has taken a cultural beating.

I remember speaking to my friend in college who swore she would never get married and it was foolish for anyone to do so. She was raised in a stable and happy family until she was 13, when they were torn apart by a bitter divorce. Once a daddy’s girl, she now has an angry relationship with her father. One of her brothers was so depressed by the chaos of his broken family, he became a drug addict. Her mother remained bitter and resentful a decade later. When she told me her story, I could see she had every reason to swear off marriage – she had seen the dream end in a nightmare. She could list many friends and relatives who also had horrible experiences with marriage. She had the evidence to back up her decision. It was difficult to make a rational case against her conclusions. And yet – perhaps she was missing something.

Literature and history are full of stories of couples who risked much “for love”: Jane Eyre, Jacob and Rachael, Mayor of Casterbridge, and every Jane Austen novel. These are stories where love conquers all – where fortunes are lost, reputations are tarnished, parents are angered, yet all end when lovers unite in marriage. But we don’t write these kinds of novels anymore. Romantic movies, once a staple in theaters, are now rare. It seems as if we have shaken off the fairytale and now live in a harsher reality – a world full of unfaithfulness, broken homes, and individualism. Romantic sentiment is viewed with skepticism. Our art portrays a new perspective – modern music lyrics are more likely to rip on Xs than praise a beloved. Movies are more likely to display the unraveling of family life than show loving and stable homes. Dating apps more often seek out one-night stands rather than a life-long partner. What has happened?

Today, we doubt the reality of both heavens – eternal and familial.

But we need to reverse this cultural shift. We need to understand and step back from our cynical precipice and rediscover the reality of love and be faithful to it. As we regain hope in Romance, we can raise a new generation of romantics capable of building a heaven on earth with their family.

“Love makes all safe”.
George MacDonald

The Reality of Modern Romance

Many have stopped believing in marriage or fidelity. A culture that emphasizes pleasure over duty may cause us to shun the responsibility and the sacrifice of a committed relationship. Many young people are no longer raised in a cultural or religious tradition that looks forward to the day when they will have a family of their own. High rates of divorce have certainly contributed to our distrust. While divorce may be an unwelcome necessity for some, few would doubt that its ubiquity indicates that something has gone wrong.

“Science” has also proven to many that monogamy is an outdated practice. We are just animals, after all, so why not just do what comes naturally? Polyamory is now increasingly seen as the “natural” state of mankind. This is despite evidence that monogamy has been the dominant practice in successful societies for millennia. Pornography, dating apps, and weakening morality cement in our psyche that love and fidelity are childish romantic dreams.

Even for those of us who believe we are more than mere self-interested animals, we have cause to doubt love. Love is a two-sided affair and in an amoral world, it often seems like wisdom to be skeptical. Altering the course of our life because of a feeling, and one that may well fade, is risky.

In the chaotic world in which we live, perhaps we should “hedge our bets.” Should we really jump head first into a relationship when so many of them fail? In the past, a strong sense of duty and commitment tied us together when our hastily-made romantic promises began to feel foolish. Social stigma and religious belief put a fence around our commitments. Now divorce is common and casual sex the norm.

With the accepted doctrine of “do what feels right in the moment, obligations be damned”, it is rational to protect ourselves from the heartache that “falling in love” will likely bring. So we begin to see why “rationality” is rarely the harbinger of love.

Rising Cynicism

My friend in college had lived through a nightmare, caused by her parent’s divorce. She used her personal experience and logical reasoning to come to a conclusion about marriage. But her rational circle of truth was too small; there were other truths she was missing.

G.K. Chesterton describes this “rational”, yet small, thinking we all engage in which can lead to a sort of rational loveless madness.

“His mind moves in a perfect but narrow circle. A small circle is quite as infinite as a large circle; but, though it is quite as infinite, it is not so large. In the same way, the insane explanation is quite as complete as the sane one, but it is not so large. . . He is in a clean and well-lit prison of one idea. The moment his mere reason moves, it moves in the old circular rut; he will go round and round his logical circle, just as a man in a third-class carriage on the Inner Circle (London ring-road) will go round and round the Inner Circle unless he performs the voluntary, vigorous, and mystical act of getting out at Gower Street.”
G.K Chesterton, Orthodoxy

We must get off at Gower Street by stepping outside the misery of our own experiences and seeking more truth, and a reason to hope. It is more difficult to get off the carriage when at every stop we see marriages falling apart with evidence of self-interest, bitterness, and resentment. So much seems to confirm our truth. Perhaps we ourselves have experienced the malevolence and dishonesty of those who claimed to love us. Our modern realities make it reasonable to stay in our small, logical, and secure circles. We can stay there – keep being right, and keep being miserable.

Our rational cynicism must be stepped out of because it will not help us, it will not protect us, and inside of it, we cannot build a heaven on earth. There is a larger circle that surrounds us, one of optimism, forgiveness, and unconditional love – but we may not discern it in our cynicism.

“Heaven is reality itself. All that is fully real is Heavenly. For all that can be shaken will be shaken and only the unshakeable remains.”
C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

Genuine selfless love is in fact a miracle, a light that shines through cynicism. It may be rare but that does not make it less powerful or real. Even a life full of deceit and unfaithfulness is likely to hold one example of genuine love – perhaps a grandma, a teacher, or a kind stranger. That love is the truth and the true light we seek. The rest is a lie. Like all miracles, love points us to a higher and more genuine reality, a larger circle. We can recreate that miracle in our own life despite the rarity of our experience with it.

“The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Cynicism is an outgrowth of experience or teaching which convinces us that love isn’t authentic and that we are all selfish and untrustworthy. When we are immersed in cynicism, toxic relationships become self-fulfilling prophecies. As a society, we have allowed a cynical reality to become reality, and to shape our outlook. We see the happy family as the exception, not the rule. Underlying this cynicism is the belief that we don’t have free will after all and are just a product of our environment, an environment that increasingly seems intent on our destruction. We no longer portray the ideal to our children. Those ideals as seen in such shows as “Leave it to Beaver” or “The Brady Bunch” have vanished and now they are left with the worst-case scenarios in “13 Reasons Why.”

We see in the culture of young people that the cynicism about love is bearing fruit. Many dating websites, borne from twisted perceptions and porn (link), turn intimate relationships into transactions. Rather than prioritizing relationships, many delay or forgo marriage and trade it for a “career”. Divorce rates rise and birth rates plummet. The sexes turn against each other and see the opposite gender as a threat rather than a partner.

Our modern gender wars are an outgrowth of this cynicism. If we don’t trust in the power of romantic love, we don’t trust the opposite sex. If men and women don’t encourage or respect each other, they won’t establish deep relationships and society will collapse.

“We men and women are all in the same boat, upon a stormy sea. We owe to each other a terrible and tragic loyalty.”
G.K Chesterton

Without a foundation of genuine love and respect, even the extended family crumbles. Rather than a gathering of familial love, the Thanksgiving dinner table has become a political battleground. Young people roll their eyes at the views of their elders, while their elders look with disdain at the ignorance and naivety of their children’s worldview. Loyalty to ideology trumps loyalty to family.

Be a Fool, Make A Vow

We don’t make vows anymore. We don’t jump in passionately to romance. We swipe right and throw others into the relationship dustbin based on a millisecond judgment. We live together before getting married, just to be sure. We keep open the option of escape. The rational side of me says this might be good – look how much suffering has come from “fools jumping in”? But it isn’t good. It has not produced good fruits – it has stifled romance, and it has increased loneliness and unhappiness. For love to exist there has to be a leap, vulnerability, and there has to be risk.

Despite our modern cynicism, many are still drawn to love stories, to rash vows. Falling in love is one of the most transcendent experiences in a person’s life. Do we forgo one of the great adventures of life because it is risky?

I went to tour a friend’s almost-completed house the other day. It was a beautiful home, however, I noticed that nearly everything was white – white walls, cabinets, and tile. Even the fireplace was surrounded by white walls. I asked her if she was going to put stone or brick around the fireplace. She said, “I don’t think so, I keep going back and forth on what to put there and I just feel like I would start hating it, or it would go out of style- so I am leaving it white.” I am no interior decorator, perhaps she was right, I myself worry about changing styles. However, I was struck by her statement as it relates to our modern philosophy. She was so unsure of herself, her own tastes, and the world’s shifting perspectives, that to be safe, she was just leaving it white. She is not alone, color is disappearing from our world.

Walk through St. Peters, Seville Cathedral, or any of the architectural masterpieces that millions visit every year and you will see that they are full of color and style, rash and bold statements of beauty and love. Each colored marble floor and each ornate altar is a vow. A rash and unchanging statement that says, “The world may change, tastes may change – but this will not change. If it should stand for the next thousand years unchanged, it will still be beautiful.”

“Do not swear by the moon, for she changes constantly. Then your love would also change.”
William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Continuing with G.K. Chesterton in his superb essay entitled, In Defense of Rash Vows, he describes our modern doubtfulness of self and how it leads to an inability to make and keep the kind of vows needed for romantic love to thrive.

“The man who makes a vow makes an appointment with himself at some distant time or place. The danger of it is that himself should not keep the appointment. And in modern times this terror of one’s self, of the weakness and mutability of one’s self, has perilously increased, and is the real basis of the objection to vows of any kind. A modern man refrains from swearing to count the leaves on every third tree in Holland Walk, not because it is silly to do so (he does many sillier things), but because he has a profound conviction that before he had got to the three hundred and seventy-ninth leaf on the first tree he would be excessively tired of the subject and want to go home to tea. In other words, we fear that by that time he will be, in the common but hideously significant phrase, another man.”

We have lost our confidence in vows, and in our ability to keep them. Without the belief in the unchanging nature of love, and our own ability to be unchanged – true romantic love will continue to fade from our culture. But we can rediscover this love, gain confidence again in our own ability to love, and raise a new generation of romantics.

Next week we will discuss how to turn from a passionless culture and rediscover romance.

–Ally

Continue to Part 2, Becoming Romantics Again

Resources:

On moving beyond Cynicism, 1 minute

Sex and Dating in Modern America

On Pornography: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/public_interest/child_law/resources/child_law_practiceonline/child_law_practice/vol-33/may-2014/how-pornography-harms-children–the-advocate-s-role/

On Birth Rates:

https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2021-05-05/us-birth-rates-continue-to-fall

Loyalty To Home

“A man who really loves his country will love her in her ruin and degeneration–“England, with all thy faults, I love thee still.” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Today Americans celebrate the independence of our nation – and yet we know that many of us are not celebrating. There are reasons, on this 4th of July, to be a bit jaded. There is much division. Foundational principles seem to be dissipating. We may be disappointed in our leaders, disappointed in our institutions, and disappointed in each other. There is cause to be pessimistic and angry. And yet, this is our home. We should love it, be grateful for it. It is a truly sad thing when people start hating their own home, their own countrymen. Often we seek to convince our pessimistic countrymen, we speak of the many wonderful and unique freedoms and blessings of America, all the reasons we should love Her. Perhaps it would be better to stop looking for reasons and just love her because she is ours.

The idea of loyalty seems increasingly lost in our modern mindset. Yet loyalty is a glue that keeps imperfect people together. My husband and I teach our children to be loyal to their siblings, “Don’t speak badly about your brother to your friends, be loyal.” But why loyalty? Family is important, much more important than schoolyard gossip- it is a gift God has given us. It would be wonderful if our brother was perfect, he isn’t, but he is our brother, and that has to mean something. When we treat our family with respect and loyalty, we can become great. Loyalty is trusting that the “accidents” of our birth are blessings rather than curses. Loyalty grows into strength.

“A mother does not give her child a blue bow because she is so ugly without it. If men loved [their home] as mothers love children, arbitrarily, because it is theirs, their home in a year or two might be fairer than Florence. People first paid honor to a spot and then gained glory for it.”
G.K. Chesterton

And so we love America still. We do not shut our eyes to faults, but we love with what seems an irrational loyalty. Chesterton summarizes it well, (his words “our home” is replaced with America)

“My acceptance of [America] is no optimism, it is more like patriotism. It is a matter of primary loyalty. [America] is not a lodging house in Brighton, which we are to leave because it is miserable. It is the fortress of our family, with the flag flying on the turret, and the more miserable it is the less we should leave it. The point is not that [America] is too sad to love or too glad not to love; the point is that when you do love a thing, its gladness is the reason for loving it, and its sadness a reason for loving it more. Men did not love Rome because she was great. She was great because they had loved her.”
G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

This loyalty, this patriotism, this “irrational optimism”, as Chesterton calls it, for our homeland is not stupid or naive, it is gratitude and love. Today as we celebrate America, let us love her, our home, with loyalty.

Ally

Resources:

C.S. Lewis on Patrotism. https://ponderingprinciples.com/2019/08/17/lewis-on-love-of-country/

What’s With That Gender Pay Gap?

From Guest Author Rebecca Gingerich

“Whenever only one sex wins, both sexes lose.”

— Warren Farrell

Ain’t that the truth? From where I stand, it seems us humans have been stuck playing a rather unproductive game of ‘tit for tat’ for far too long now. Within our highly politicized society, the idea of traditional gender roles and responsibilities has progressively become more and more offensive to consider, let alone talk about. So, let’s stir the pot for a moment, shall we?

The word ‘feminism’ has a lot of different meanings and therefore evokes various connotations, depending on the person you talk to. A political activist and journalist by the name of Gloria Steinem said, “A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of men and women”. The majority of us can agree with this statement, as it validates equal human value and promotes the dignity we all inherently possess.

The next word that comes forward in today’s society is the term ‘equity’. This has become a relative term with a confused conclusion for most of us. The dictionary’s definition is: “The quality of being fair and impartial”. So, we then begin to ask ourselves: what does the word ‘fair’ really mean? Does it mean that we treat everyone the exact same? Does it mean that if we did treat everyone the exact same, we’d see perfectly even results across the board in regards to areas such as gender representation and salary?

The above questions have us then stumble upon the ‘gender pay gap’ study. The findings of this study are based on the average difference of workplace earnings between the sexes. And naturally, some will attribute men making more money than women to sexism. But, do these findings actually represent gender discrimination? On a side note, women are currently over-represented within post-secondary institutions, which tells us this gap is certainly not due to a lack of access to higher education.

So, does this study take into consideration personal/lifestyle choices each gender group generally makes throughout the span of a lifetime (e.g., hours worked, parental leaves, field of work, qualifications, ect.)? Could it possibly be that men and women make different choices in various areas of life, which in turn affect the differences in pay? It is definitely a complex situation with many different variables at play, which begs the question: can a general statistic like this one ever thoroughly and accurately explain its findings?

“Men and women aren’t the same. That doesn’t mean they can’t be treated fairly.”

— Jordan Peterson

I distinctly remember learning the proper definition of the word ‘equity’ when I was in college many moons ago. We were taught that everyone has equal value and should have the same opportunities in life; however, there was the acknowledgement that each individual has a unique set of needs that require varying approaches and result in varying outcomes. The same is true of parenting.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I were visiting another couple who also have children. We got on the topic of parenting styles, and how drastically different each child can be compared to his/her siblings. Our friend jokingly said, “I just treat them all equally the same”. I piped up and playfully responded with, “And now, they’re all equally screwed up!” We all laughed and then the conversation progressed to what specific strategies work best for each of our individual children. We didn’t discuss which one of our kids was our favorite, or which one we treated better than the others. We all would have wholeheartedly agreed that we love each of our children equally, and we have their best interest at heart even though we do treat them differently based on their specific needs in any given situation.

“..if you leave men and women to make their own choices you will not get equal outcome.”

— Jordan Peterson

This brings us to equal opportunity versus equal outcome. If we believe that equal outcome is indeed possible through the means of fair treatment, then we have completely missed the boat. Society’s obsession with obliterating differences between the sexes has enforced an impossible mission that won’t rest until a 50/50 gender quota has been reached in any given vocation. My husband and I are a perfect example of how sexism is not driving these pay differences. I am a qualified elementary school teacher and my husband works as a full-time pastor. If I had chosen to become a full-time teacher shortly after graduating university, by now my salary would definitely be higher than his. However, because I decided not to follow a full-time career, my husband makes significantly more money than I do each year; so, is this sexism or is it equity? On paper, it could look very much like sexism, but if you actually sat down with me and asked for clarification, you’d find out that I had all the same opportunities as my husband; but I chose differently, based on my own set of needs and desires as a woman.

“Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.”

— Phyllis Schlafly

Is it just me, or is extreme, modern day feminism trying to bury the differences between men and women in order to convince the world that women can instead be just like men, or wait for it… maybe even better? We are fooled into thinking that whoever brings home more “bacon” wins the superiority contest. North American society has lost sight of our God given responsibility to work as a united front within the context of marriage; we all have a different part to play. Sadly, greed and society’s power hungry definition of ‘success’ has and continues to consume each and every move many of us make.

“Men and women have roles – their roles are different, but their rights are equal.”

— Harri Holkeri

Well, where do we go from here? How do we navigate through a world that tantrums like an unruly two year old when things aren’t perfectly cut down the middle every time in every scenario, especially in areas such as the workplace? When will society wake up and start realizing (and even celebrating) the differences between men and women? When did it all become about the money? Why do most women not feel validated unless they have (or are striving towards) a career? Why does motherhood seem to be the very last item on a young woman’s to-do list?

“Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

— C.S. Lewis

Now, do I think that women shouldn’t have careers? No. Do I think that women shouldn’t pursue higher education? No. Do I think that all women should have children? No. What I do think is if a woman and her husband eventually decide to start a family, her priorities have a good chance (but not always) of changing in regards to her previous involvement within the workforce. She might want to scale back on hours, extend her maternity leave, decline a promotion, or she might even quit her job altogether. There are so many things she might actually want to do that will inevitably reflect poorly on the all too powerful ‘gender pay gap’, which assumes women must be oppressed if the numbers are not equal in terms of workplace earnings.

“Motherhood can also lead to interruptions in women’s career paths and have an impact on long-term earnings.”

— pewresearch.org

I understand that it is very difficult these days to get by on just one income within the household; my family is no exception. I am required to work part-time in order to help support my family. Most women are sitting in this same boat with me, while many others are required to pursue full-time employment. This is life, this is reality. However, it troubles me when our society seems to think a woman earning and/or working less than her husband is somehow unjust. What a potentially damaging mindset — all in the name of money and workplace status. We wouldn’t bat an eye if the husband decided to cut down his hours at work to help take care of the kids; but, when a woman does it, statistics will enthusiastically proclaim from the mountaintops, “Gender discrimination!!”

“Women leave the labour market during crucial years, setting them substantially back in labour market terms. They decide to take time out to have and raise children … perhaps moving to more flexible work or less demanding jobs.”

— Ben Southwood (Adam Smith Institute)

With all that said, I believe in order to achieve true gender equality, we must first acknowledge that gender differences do indeed exist. Then we must accept the fact that men and women often make different choices, as both groups carry varying responsibilities throughout life. This in turn will affect many facets, including earnings at work. Now, are there ever exceptions to the rule? Of course. After all, we are complex beings with some wiggle room in regards to roles and preferences. However, my point here is that the overall pay difference is not a result of gender discrimination, but rather the result of different paths taken between the sexes.

“When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.”

— John Gray

“Life is not a competition between men and women. It is a collaboration.”

— David Alejandro Fearnhead

At the end of the day, let us begin to lean into this reality, and start validating the hard work many women tirelessly demonstrate outside of the workplace. May we bring dignity back to humanity, and start affirming the things that really matter in this world. Let a pay check be a pay check; a means to feed and clothe our family (a noble task in itself, no doubt). Once and for all, let the gender wars end, and may both sexes come back to the table as true partners in life.

By Rebecca Gingerich

Relative Nothingness

“Perhaps the highest moral height which a man can reach, and at the same time the most difficult of attainment, is the willingness to be nothing relatively. It is nothing to a man to be greater or less than another- to be esteemed or otherwise by the public or private world in which he moves. The truth satisfies him. He lives in absoluteness. God makes the glow-worm as well as the star; the light in both is divine. If mine be an earth-star to gladden the wayside, I must cultivate humbly and rejoicingly its green earth-glow, and not seek to blanch it to the whiteness of the stars and lie in the fields of blue. For to deny God in my own being is to cease to behold Him in any. God and man can meet only by the man’s becoming that which God meant him to be. Then he enters into the house of life, which is greater than the house of fame.”
George MacDonald, Adela Cathcart

Many thinkers, including Dr. Jordan Peterson, speak of the inevitability, and function, of social hierarchies. They point to the benefits of seeking to strive upwards in a hierarchy of competence, so we feel valuable and have purpose. One may strive for accomplishment in artistic endeavors, another in plumbing. This progress brings meaning into our lives. In seeking our hierarchies-of-purpose, we should consider our strengths and interests, and seek to discover God’s will for our lives.

Yet it is important to contemplate why we seek progression, and from Whom we seek approvable. The relative prestige of the hierarchy should not matter to us: glow-worm or a star. We should not look to the side to see where others are on their hierarchal-ladder, we should look upward for guidance.

In our desire to progress, we should not be overly concerned with the opinion of others. Christianity calls us to a higher sphere for recognition. A Higher Name than Society to measure our value. Rather than depending on the respect and admiration of others, we seek God’s approval. This enables us to be content with, and even see the advantages of, a life of little public influence.

When a society loses its collective belief in a Transcendent Being – that is pleased with our humble efforts – is it any wonder that motherhood and fatherhood are viewed as thankless, and often cast aside? Parenthood produces no money and brings few accolades.

But we care not. Because we, as mothers and fathers, know that we are fulfilling a great work. We know that even the relative nothingness of parenthood to this world, is of great worth to God.

COVID-19 Jubilee: Shame, Debt, and Mercy

By: Kevin Martin

Responses to Covid-19 vary within nations, states, counties, towns, families, and individuals. The new tension within these groups, created by our responses to Covid-19, has created collateral damage in our relationships, financial lives, civic lives, and governance. While, in general, it is easy to criticize strong responses, my interest in this article is not to critique our responses to the crisis, but how to recover from the damage they have caused to our personal relationships. Our relationship lives have been affected by both social distancing and our deeper immersion in the polarized public response to political action. Once the threat and fear of the virus has subsided, we must assume that collateral damages to our relationships will remain. Now what?

CRISIS RESPONSE: THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY

As is typical in the fog of crisis, it’s hard to see the silver lining. Many families are facing financial ruin due to government-mandated cessation of their revenue. While that subject deserves loud discussion, this article does not intend to focus on that component of the Covid-19 tragedy. Here, I intend to look at some nuanced changes in our social relationships and their implications. It’s not as if there are no positive social outcomes from our response to this pandemic. No doubt, in houses across the USA that have not been visited by medical despair brought on by Covid-19, families have been expressing some positive sentiment about baking more bread at home, reducing expenditures, creating more reliable family rhythms, and increased time spent with nuclear family members. Also, I suspect there is serious upside potential in re-thinking how we educate our children. We are learning a lot about the means of education while schools are closed. And regarding friendships, many families are doubtlessly pleased to find that some friendships are being prioritized while others are fading. This is kind of a study in the Darwinian fitness of our friendships. Only the strong [friendships] will survive while the weaker ones will fade into oblivion. This will allow more decidedly “important” priorities to arise within families. That’s great. But, seeing the upside in the shake-down of our friendships will require us to deal with some negative feelings as well.

Let’s look at how shame fits into this scene. Shame can be either self-imposed or foisted on us by others.

SHAME ON YOU

The Covid-19 pandemic has increased the tension in our already-tense public discourse. Being immersed in strong opinions about political action is not new to us. However, this dynamic has really ramped up and been accentuated with some additional features. Rather than merely each waking moment being an opportunity to shout our opinions about Federal competence, we now have added opportunities to squabble about varying expert medical opinions, failed infection rate models, fiscal and monetary action, the role of scientists in a cohesive advisory body, the costs and benefits of planned economic slowdown, whether or not human safety can be discussed in terms of monetary cost, the effectiveness of our local government’s response in comparison to that of other cities and counties, etc. As if we didn’t have enough to disagree about, Covid-19 is providing ample opportunity for us to further upset each other with differing opinions. Add the risk of lethal infection and observe heightened levels of emotion.

Being worked up about any or all of the changes resulting from our reaction to Covid-19 needs no justification. Change can be hard to accept. Add to that any mistrust or cynicism toward decision makers or community members and it is natural to get frustrated. However, how about when someone close to you starts talking in a way that really irks you? How about when a friend or family member starts talking ignorant nonsense? We are familiar with the admonishment of a person when they say something stupid, “You should be ashamed of yourself!” Maybe they should be. Or maybe you aren’t listening well enough. Thus, the emotional walls can be erected and catapults loaded with burning tar.

When the dust settles after any social display of anger or fear there is always at least one party who is left feeling less than good. Someone is left sweeping up the pieces (maybe under a rug!) and reconciling what just happened. Part of the fallout when someone recognizes that they over-reacted is the feeling of shame.

We often feel ashamed or humiliated from our own public displays of weakness or vulnerability. This is as true for uncontrolled crying in public as it is when we look physically incompetent by stumbling on the sidewalk. We can feel shame when we display any type of incompetence that is seen by strangers. Losing a job can feel shameful if we think the loss makes us appear inadequate. A girlfriend or boyfriend breaking up with us after we admitted love to them makes us feel ashamed. Losing a house to fire can make us vulnerable and ashamed when our projection of competence is interwoven with our possessions. I had a friend who felt deep shame after their home was plundered by burglars. Even on social media, unhinged outbursts and emotional recriminations toward our neighbors fit this description. Losing control is rarely seen as virtuous and many think it is shame-worthy.

The cloak of privacy that shields our identities on social media doesn’t help matters. I like the analogy of a Mardi-Gras mask and social media. When people don a flamboyant mask (I’m not talking about an N-90 face mask) at Mardi-Gras they might feel more apt to do something out of their ordinary because they feel anonymous. However, committing what you might think is a slimy act while being unrecognized doesn’t change the fact that you observed yourself making that particular decision. Will you feel ashamed at having done so? Maybe. The experience of unfettered freedom does not guarantee the feeling of pride in what you choose to do with it. The same goes for our behavior on social media. Regardless of how the person in question feels, we often think a person’s lack of emotional control is deserving of shame.

Emotional control is certainly virtuous for civilized adults, but hardly something to force in a young toddler. As a first-time parent of a toddler, I had to learn this lesson begrudgingly. If emotional control is required for my children to participate in society, why couldn’t they just learn it early! Since realizing that children can only learn to regulate their emotions from adults who model it, I have (far too often!) found myself in a horribly strange house of mirrors where my frustrations are simultaneously cause and result of difficult moments with my children and wife. Some of these emotionally-complicated moments just feel like a small slice of Hell and shame is not helpful for anyone.

This isn’t to say that shame is never helpful. Even for children, an interior feeling of shame can be both a helpful indicator that they behaved incorrectly, as well as a motivator to not repeat the incorrect action. Self-imposed shame can be felt in big doses and small doses, and can likewise be useful or toxic. As with many things, the “poison is the dose.” It might be that the interior perception of our own shame is useful only in proportion to our capacity for self-reflection and ability to articulate a way forward.

When shame is cast by one upon another, the scenario gets even muddier. Why would someone cast shame on others? Sometimes they deserve it. Casting shame can function as an accountability mechanism in a community of adults who share common interests. To the extent that the interior experience of shame motivates us to avoid shame-worthy behavior, others can signal it in our direction when they think we are toeing the line of inappropriate behavior that jeopardizes our common interests. Beyond this, people can cast shame for all sorts of dark reasons. Maybe they see something in another that they hate about themselves and fight it with casting shame outward. When we shame others, we had better either get it right or apologize quickly.

Shame is often cast on others very hypocritically. In our responses to Covid-19, we have created a lot of opportunity to cast shame on strangers. A good buddy of mine was tide-pooling at a beach with his daughter the other day. There wasn’t a person in sight. Soon, a duo of cyclists cruised by. One of them shouted, scornfully, at my friend, “Social distancing!!” To what benefit? I’m not sure, but the attempt at shame-casting was shame-worthy.

In an environment of heightened emotions, we might think other people are acting shamefully with more regularity than usual. Or maybe, with a little reflection, even our own actions deserve a little shame.

SHAME ON ME

In social distancing, we have agreed to not see people that we would normally spend time around. Some of these people we miss dearly. Others, we are pleased to avoid. Some other social situations we had previously not considered avoiding, but now enjoy their absence. How does this affect us? Usually, when we get enjoyment from an act we “should not” enjoy, (like eating too much cake or avoiding a friend or family member) we feel at least a little bit of shame or guilt. There’s a reason we call it a “guilty pleasure.”

Humor me while I indulge in a hypothetical shaky moment between uncertain friends. Let’s say that you have a monthly dinner date with a friend but the requirements of social distancing prevent you two from meeting this month. Also suppose that you were getting a little tired of this monthly dinner date. The whole idea of monthly meetings was an experiment. He wasn’t really that great of a friend, and you suspect that he benefited more than you did from the monthly meeting. After all, all he did was complain about mutual acquaintances and you found it annoying. While you thought he was a bit broken, you could see that he needed a friend. You were happy to be that friend when it was convenient, but now seems like a great opportunity to duck out of the arrangement. “Thank you, social distancing.” Next month, maybe you’ll feel different.

You’re probably thinking that this relationship was destined to dissolve (and maybe they should try different meds) but that isn’t necessarily true. Government-mandated restrictions on gatherings create a layer of fog between some friends. The veil of ignorance covering the reason for friends not seeing each other (“Have they not visited because of government mandate, or just because they don’t like me?”) creates a prisoner’s dilemma where we can do more harm than good.

The psyche is a bizarre thing. What happens when we observe ourselves wronging a person with whom we have an unsigned contract of friendship? Shame begets mistrust. When we feel a little ashamed about avoiding our friend, our psyche, in a tantrum of projection and blame avoidance, can easily generate mistrust toward the person we wronged. Once we wrong that person (by neglecting our relationship) we assume his willingness to neglect, or betray, the relationship too. Thus, we can begin to mistrust another person when we grow suspicious of their capacity for betrayal. What tipped us off to the idea that they might betray our friendship? Our own betrayal of the relationship… no matter how small it might have been at the time. We assume our friend is unaware of the pleasure we gained from avoiding him. However, this pleasure is not without consequence. In fact, we might begin to mistrust him precisely when we understand that he might get the same guilty pleasure by neglecting our friendship in like fashion. I don’t need to point out the obvious immaturity here. In this example, the root cause of our mistrust toward our friend’s commitment is actually our own shame in choosing to avoid him.

Changes in our psyche are rarely made under our full control. One emotion morphs into another when we see our reflection (no matter how distorted) in another person. In this example, we are obviously not talking about a super high-quality friendship that has weathered many ups and downs. Many friendships can benefit from the endurance of stress. Others whither and disappear, and not without emotional fireworks. While some personalities are far more neurotic and insecure than others, everyone must maintain positive relationships for overall health. Government-mandated social distancing has fertilized the soil for negative feelings between friends. And this can make us ashamed of ourselves.

Cringe-worthy behavior not befitting of our pre-Covid-19 social interactions can yield self-righteous indignation, pity, resentment, belittlement, or self-centered anger. We mustn’t forget that we will see our friends and family again. Even a single moment of resentment or pity toward a community member or family member will silently change the dynamic.

Cain, by Henri Vidal, Jardin des Tuileries, Paris

TALLYING LOSSES

Covid-19 has, indeed, presented additional complications to an already-complex world. One of many results is an increase in potential for shame in our social lives. This additional amount of shame has resulted in damage to our social fabric that is difficult to quantify. How do we mend the fabric, and who is responsible for righting the wrongs?

As an analogy, let’s look at how we recuperate financial losses before looking at social losses. To the extent that we as individuals have taken financial losses due to societal responses to Covid-19, our solution sounds easy; “Give me my money back.” If money is lost, and debt accrued, because of a mandated response, then an appropriate post-crisis recovery includes an attempt to recuperate those financial losses and resolve the debts. Because we can chalk up these losses to either an act of God or to government restrictions on income, choosing the methods by which we are made financially whole is obviously problematic. We have many options, such as renewed personal commitments to save instead of borrow, work extra hours, business ventures that profit from the post-Covid-19 landscape, insistence that governments intervene on our behalf with the redistribution of other’s resources, etc. The possibilities are endless. Nonetheless, quantifying the loss is not impossible, and most of us agree on our desires to recuperate financial losses and pay down personal debts.

SHAME AS DEBT

To the extent that love and careful attention are a relationship’s currencies of transaction, shameful social action puts us in debt to those with whom we share friendship. Acting shamefully towards our community members is to over-spend our relationship currency, no matter if the act is passionately unwitting or deliberately malicious. Shameful social action is deficit spending; an emotional debt payable to those in our community.

How can we ever pay this back? How can we encourage others to move on and forget our shameful actions? The shameful debtor is in a helpless position. How can we work it off? For the answer, we must put ourselves in the shoes of the person to whom the relationship debt is owed.

COVID-19 JUBILEE

The ancient Israelites had a way of dealing with debt that can be useful in this discussion. Every forty-ninth year was a “Year of Jubilee” wherein all debts were forgiven, slaves freed, and prisoners released. This effectively placed a ceiling on how big a debt could grow. Applied to this discussion about emotional debt and the release from shame, we can see how a moment of Jubilee would effectively limit the size of any grudge. (I suggest not waiting forty-nine years.) How does Jubilee translate to personal shame amidst our responses to Covid-19? Show a little mercy.

We must have mercy on those whose actions we think deserve humiliation. I think marriage and parenthood have equipped us with some useful tools here. Routinely in family life, there is somebody over-reacting, freaking out, lashing out, blowing up, or breaking down. Whether the cause is missing an afternoon nap or anger toward political theater is irrelevant. In a family where emotional closeness is requisite for proper function, the forgiveness of ridiculous acts is eventually required. Sometimes, following a shameful act of irrational frustration, a peaceful understanding is reached through explanation and discussion. Other times, blood-sugar is low, sleep deprivation has set in, and work is stressful. In these situations, we constantly say and do ridiculous things that we would never plan on doing after a full night’s rest, hearty breakfast in our belly, and gleeful work environment. When our spouses act in such irrational ways, and we think we understand why, what do we do? Show some mercy. They deserve it.

In stressful times, people freak out. Shall we hold it over their heads? Shall we ransom them with ridicule and reminders? Shall we be the type of debt collector that brutalizes his debtor? Of course, strangers on social media are not the same as family members in our household. Also, some behavior absolutely requires legal response. What I’m talking about is the irrationality that can drive wedges into our social lives due to stressful and extraordinary times. Extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. Show some mercy. A lot of us need it right now.